50+ Jerry Seinfeld Jokes
[His Best Stand Up Jokes Ever]
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Jerry Seinfeld Jokes: Funnyman Jerry Seinfeld (aka Little Jerry) is one of the highest-paid stand up comedians in the world.
He’s a master jokester skillful enough to play a semi-fictionalized version of himself (see his show – Seinfeld) that led to him being awarded the title of the 12th greatest stand-up comedian of all time.
Here are some of his quick-witted, side-splitting jokes that’ll give you a good chuckle!
Ready, get set, LAUGH at our Jerry!
Check Out Jerry Seinfeld Joke Book: Features his best work across five decades in comedy.
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1. According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
2. Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They’re very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.
3. A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
4. A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.
5. I am so busy doing nothing… that the idea of doing anything – which as you know, always leads to something – cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
6. I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.
7. It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
8. Make no mistake about why these babies are here – they are here to replace us.
9. Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
Tiger Woods had his balls deflated by his wife and everybody cheered!
10. My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.
11. Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
12. Folks who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
And we’re half-way through the list of this stand up genius’ clever wits.
13. Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
14. That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by anyone other than me.
15. The IRS! They’re like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
16. I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren’t cows outside a lot of the time? When it’s raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, “Let us in! We’re all wearing leather! Open the door! We’re going to ruin the whole outfit here!”
17. Cremation has become the most popular form of burial in the United States… People used to want a big, thick granite stone, their names carved into with a chisel. “I was here dammit!” Cremation is like you’re trying to cover up a crime. “Burn the body. Scatter the ashes around. As far as anyone’s concerned this whole thing never happened.”
18. Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.
19. Just what is the handicapped parking situation at the Special Olympics? Is it still just the two spaces?
20. They have the greeting cards with the couples on the front. They photograph them. These hazy focus people. They’re always having picnics. There’s always a tree, a pond… who are they? I don’t know them. I don’t want them on my card either. What am I going to write inside there anyway? “Here’s another couple having a better relationship than us.”
21. There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, “I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.”
22. Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.
Now this one is a personal favorite! ROFL!
23. You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.’
24. The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews, Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe clippers right here.
25. Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we’ve grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it’s not to be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably; happy birthday? No such thing.
26. I was the best man to a wedding one time, that was pretty good. Pretty good title, I thought, best man. I thought it was a bit much. I thought we’d have the groom and a pretty good man. That’s more than enough. If I’m the best man, why is she marrying him?
27. “Wait up!” That’s what kids say. They don’t say “wait”, they say “Wait up! Hey, wait up!” ‘Cause when you’re little, your life is up. The future is up. Everything you want is up. “Wait up! Hold up! Shut up! Mom, I’ll clean up! Let me stay up!” Parents of course are just the opposite. Everything is down. “Just calm down. Slow down. Come down here. Sit down. Put that down.”
28. Women have two orgasms, the real ones and the ones they make up on their own. And I can give you the male point of view on this, which is: we’re fine with it. You do whatever you have to do, and we’ll do whatever we have to. …To a man, sex is like a car accident anyway, and trying to determine a female orgasm is like asking, “What did you see after the car went out of control?” “Well, there were a lot of screeching noises, I was facing the wrong way at one point, and in the end, my body was thrown clear.”
29. To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We’re all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there is a problem the lawyer is the only person who has read the inside of the top of the box.
30. I’ll tell you what I like about the Chinese. They’re hanging in there with the chopsticks, aren’t they? You know they’ve seen the fork. They’re staying with the sticks. I don’t know how they missed it. Chinese farmer gets up, works in the field with a shovel all day. Shovel. Spoon. Come on. You’re not plowing 40 acres with a couple of pool cues!
31. The Olympics is really my favorite sporting event. Although, I think I have a problem with that silver medal. Because when you think about it, you win the gold – you feel good, you win the bronze – you think, “Well, at least I got something”. But when you win that silver it’s like, “Congratulations, you almost won. Of all the losers you came in first of that group. You’re the number one loser. No one lost ahead of you!”
32. Why does that pharmacist have to be two and a half feet higher than everybody else? Who the hell is this guy? “Clear out everybody I’m workin with pills up here. I’m taking pills from this big bottle and then I’m gonna put them in a little bottle! That’s my whole job.I can’t be down on the floor with you people. Then I’m gonna type out a little piece of paper. And it’s really hard.”
33. Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? No pockets.
34. I don’t return fruit. Fruit’s a gamble. I know that going in.
35. The luge is the only Olympic event where you could have people competing in it against their will, and it would look exactly the same. Take people off the street, “Hey, hey, hey, what is this?! I don’t wanna be in the luge!” Once you put that helmet on them, “You’re in the luge, buddy!” “aaaAAAaaaAAAaaaAAA…aaaAAAAA…” World record. Didn’t even wanna do it. I’d like to see that in the next Olympics, the Involuntary Luge.
36. Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.
37. Why is McDonalds still counting? How insecure is this company? 40 million, 80 billion million jillion killion tillion… who cares? Is anyone really impressed by that any more? “Ooh, 89 billion sold? All right, I’ll have one! I’m satisfied!” I’d like to tell the CEO of McDonalds, “Look. We all get it, okay? You’ve sold a lot of hamburgers. Whatever the number is, just put up a sign, ‘McDonalds: We’re Doing Very Well.’ We are tired of hearing about every goddamn one of them.”
38. Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and it’s never for a good reason, right? You know it’s not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.
39. See, the thing of it is, there’s a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don’t know they’re ugly because nobody actually tells them.
40. I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this interior design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, “Hey look, there’s a whole other room in there. There’s a guy that looks just like me in there.”
41. It’s like my brain and my penis are locked in a chess match, and I’m letting him win.
42. There is no more embarrassing thing in my life than the fact that I have actually uttered the phrase, “I would like to order the Ginsu Knife.”
43. The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.
44. You can measure distance by time. “How far away is it?” “Oh about 20 minutes.” But it doesn’t work the other way. “When do you get off work?” “Around 3 miles.”
45. I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me!
46. You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That’s how you know you’re still alive.
47. Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that’s what those delays are sometimes, when you’re just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, “Oh, I don’t believe this. Dammit… I did it again.” They tell you it’s something mechanical because they don’t want to come on the P. A. system, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’re going to be delayed here on the ground for a while. I uh… Oh, God this is so embarrassing… I left the keys to the plane in my apartment. They’re in this big ashtray by the front door. I’m sorry, I’ll run back and get them.”
48. Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.
Conclusion: 50+ Funniest Jerry Seinfeld Jokes
And that’s a wrap for our list of Jerry Seinfeld Jokes.
No one does stand up comedy like the one and only Jerry Seinfeld, ladies and gents.
He may just be the New York city chap you need to lighten any mood…
… or to help make life a little brighter even for the crankiest chap you know.
The only thing to remember is not to forget… BOW!
Need more information on the comedian? Check out Jerry Seinfeld Bio and Net Worth at BounceMojo.com.
Check Out Jerry Seinfeld Joke Book: Features his best work across five decades in comedy.
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