Jerry Seinfeld Jokes: Funnyman Jerry Seinfeld (aka Little Jerry) is one of the highest-paid stand up comedians in the world.
He’s a master jokester skillful enough to play a semi-fictionalized version of himself (see his show – Seinfeld) that led to him being awarded the title of the 12th greatest stand-up comedian of all time.
Here are some of his quick-witted, side-splitting jokes that’ll give you a good chuckle!
Ready, get set, LAUGH at our Jerry!
Related Articles:
2. Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They’re very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.
3. A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
10. My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.
And we’re half-way through the list of this stand up genius’ clever wits.
16. I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren’t cows outside a lot of the time? When it’s raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, “Let us in! We’re all wearing leather! Open the door! We’re going to ruin the whole outfit here!”
17. Cremation has become the most popular form of burial in the United States… People used to want a big, thick granite stone, their names carved into with a chisel. “I was here dammit!” Cremation is like you’re trying to cover up a crime. “Burn the body. Scatter the ashes around. As far as anyone’s concerned this whole thing never happened.”
20. They have the greeting cards with the couples on the front. They photograph them. These hazy focus people. They’re always having picnics. There’s always a tree, a pond… who are they? I don’t know them. I don’t want them on my card either. What am I going to write inside there anyway? “Here’s another couple having a better relationship than us.”
24. The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews, Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe clippers right here.
25. Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we’ve grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it’s not to be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably; happy birthday? No such thing.
26. I was the best man to a wedding one time, that was pretty good. Pretty good title, I thought, best man. I thought it was a bit much. I thought we’d have the groom and a pretty good man. That’s more than enough. If I’m the best man, why is she marrying him?
27. “Wait up!” That’s what kids say. They don’t say “wait”, they say “Wait up! Hey, wait up!” ‘Cause when you’re little, your life is up. The future is up. Everything you want is up. “Wait up! Hold up! Shut up! Mom, I’ll clean up! Let me stay up!” Parents of course are just the opposite. Everything is down. “Just calm down. Slow down. Come down here. Sit down. Put that down.”
28. Women have two orgasms, the real ones and the ones they make up on their own. And I can give you the male point of view on this, which is: we’re fine with it. You do whatever you have to do, and we’ll do whatever we have to. …To a man, sex is like a car accident anyway, and trying to determine a female orgasm is like asking, “What did you see after the car went out of control?” “Well, there were a lot of screeching noises, I was facing the wrong way at one point, and in the end, my body was thrown clear.”
29. To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We’re all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there is a problem the lawyer is the only person who has read the inside of the top of the box.
30. I’ll tell you what I like about the Chinese. They’re hanging in there with the chopsticks, aren’t they? You know they’ve seen the fork. They’re staying with the sticks. I don’t know how they missed it. Chinese farmer gets up, works in the field with a shovel all day. Shovel. Spoon. Come on. You’re not plowing 40 acres with a couple of pool cues!
31. The Olympics is really my favorite sporting event. Although, I think I have a problem with that silver medal. Because when you think about it, you win the gold – you feel good, you win the bronze – you think, “Well, at least I got something”. But when you win that silver it’s like, “Congratulations, you almost won. Of all the losers you came in first of that group. You’re the number one loser. No one lost ahead of you!”
32. Why does that pharmacist have to be two and a half feet higher than everybody else? Who the hell is this guy? “Clear out everybody I’m workin with pills up here. I’m taking pills from this big bottle and then I’m gonna put them in a little bottle! That’s my whole job.I can’t be down on the floor with you people. Then I’m gonna type out a little piece of paper. And it’s really hard.”
35. The luge is the only Olympic event where you could have people competing in it against their will, and it would look exactly the same. Take people off the street, “Hey, hey, hey, what is this?! I don’t wanna be in the luge!” Once you put that helmet on them, “You’re in the luge, buddy!” “aaaAAAaaaAAAaaaAAA…aaaAAAAA…” World record. Didn’t even wanna do it. I’d like to see that in the next Olympics, the Involuntary Luge.
37. Why is McDonalds still counting? How insecure is this company? 40 million, 80 billion million jillion killion tillion… who cares? Is anyone really impressed by that any more? “Ooh, 89 billion sold? All right, I’ll have one! I’m satisfied!” I’d like to tell the CEO of McDonalds, “Look. We all get it, okay? You’ve sold a lot of hamburgers. Whatever the number is, just put up a sign, ‘McDonalds: We’re Doing Very Well.’ We are tired of hearing about every goddamn one of them.”
40. I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this interior design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, “Hey look, there’s a whole other room in there. There’s a guy that looks just like me in there.”
45. I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me!
47. Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that’s what those delays are sometimes, when you’re just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, “Oh, I don’t believe this. Dammit… I did it again.” They tell you it’s something mechanical because they don’t want to come on the P. A. system, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’re going to be delayed here on the ground for a while. I uh… Oh, God this is so embarrassing… I left the keys to the plane in my apartment. They’re in this big ashtray by the front door. I’m sorry, I’ll run back and get them.”
Conclusion: 50+ Funniest Jerry Seinfeld Jokes
And that’s a wrap for our list of Jerry Seinfeld Jokes.
No one does stand up comedy like the one and only Jerry Seinfeld, ladies and gents.
He may just be the New York city chap you need to lighten any mood…
… or to help make life a little brighter even for the crankiest chap you know.
The only thing to remember is not to forget… BOW!
Need more information on the comedian? Check out Jerry Seinfeld Bio and Jerry Seinfeld Net Worth at BounceMojo.com.
Put the Bounce in Your Mojo Today!
